One Year Today

It's been exactly one year today.  A year of disappointment, of fear, of desperation, of hopelessness, and so many more almost debilitating feelings and thoughts.  But the start of this year is so different from where I am now.  I may not look very different but Oh I am.  

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I've traded in the feeling of unworthiness for the truth that I am enough and super valuable.  That someone someday will see and understand me and want me forever, not just for a season.   I've traded in the settling for what doesn't work for never settling and only accepting what I want and need from any relationship and I will reciprocate.  Today I understand that there is always room for improvement in my life but my essence I will not change.  Yes I can enhance my looks, my knowledge, my personality and outlook on life but I will still remain a quirky book-loving, easily distracted, loyal and easy to get along with Lina that I am.  Today I know happiness does not involve breaking yourself for the sake of a relationship.  Joy is a choice and it's independent of other people.  I know that a marriage is not sustainable unless two people communicate well and have the same goals.  Personally, a 3 stranded cord is non-negotiable.  It must be built on a good foundation.  You should never go into a relationship thinking things aren't great now but they will get better with time.  I also know that breaking your convictions to please others is a really bad idea.  A really bad idea.  I will not waiver on my convictions ever again.  

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So much has happened this year to me but inside of me is where the real stuff has happened; in my mind, in my heart.  Things that have no measurable value.  Things I needed to learn.  There are tools I've learned that I can't believe I lived without for so long.  The weird thing is I realize that not only was it all bound to happen but I'm thankful it did.  All the pain, it was all worth it.  I'm a thousand times a smarter, stronger, and a more understanding person than I was exactly one day before this day last year.  There is still so much to work on but I know I can do it with the help of my village and God.  I know I will falter some days.  I know that the mourning is not over.  I will still occasionally need a shoulder to cry on.  But I look back and can't believe how much has happened and how far I've come.  One day I will write about it.  I want to help others with what I've learned the same way many came to my aid in my times of distress.  I heard lots of encouragement and advice but the best of it was to know your feelings were heard and validated, usually by women who had once been in my shoes.  There are so many people who have gone through divorce or a breakup and can now pour their understanding into others, offering their help and a shoulder to cry on.  It's also at these times that we come to really see who our village is.  Again, immeasurable.  

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One other very surprising and incredibly sad thing this very naive woman learned within this year is that there is a world out there of hurting men and women (who hurt men and women) and need Jesus.  It makes me cry to see the state of our world in all senses but for the purpose of this writing, in relationships.  What is going on?  Who is still honorable?  Where has character gone?  Where is the LOVE?  This however I'll leave for another day.  

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♥️Lina